Lying
by twilight-sweetheart
Summary: An inner conflict for Lily Evans, between her heart and her head and what is right and wrong.


She led on her bed within the dormitory where she had dreamt many nights of him, his smile and his uncertain eyes. The way that Lily felt during those long afternoons sitting upstairs in the Gryffindor tower would forever be etched onto her mind and it was at this moment in time, lying on her bed, thinking of him again that she realised that she would never be without him and never lose the essence of possible-love that the two of them had shared but never spoke aloud.

Sighing inward to herself, she closed her beautiful eyes, scared of revealing the salty tears that threatened to creep from them. Although she had friends, and knew well that they would look out for her she did not want to expose the truth of why she was feeling so low. Unfortunately, it was impossible for her to maintain lasting controls over her emotions and she let out one stiff restricted sob.

"Lily, what are you crying about now?" said Jasmine with a small element of annoyance. "Look I know you're upset about not getting full marks on that Charms exam but you need to ge-"

"Look. Jasmine," said Lily, cutting in with renewed sharpness in her voice "do you mind if you just shut up now please. I am not upset about that bloody Charms exam or anything else for that matter, ok."

"Fine. Just trying to help but if you're going to be like that I wont bother next time," hissed Jasmine, before stomping down the dormitory stairs, huffing and puffing that Lily used to be much 'calmer' and 'more fun'.

It is true, that Jasmine was not Lily's truest friend, and was known as something of a gossip rather than someone who could be trusted and relied upon. Lily however, regarded her problem, if you could call it that, to be something which everyone would respond to in the same way that Jasmine would. To everyone else there would be an obvious resolution to a simple problem, but for Lily it was a far more complicated choice, and for so many different reasons that nobody else could explain or understand.

Earlier that day, it had all come to a head. James had looked at her and smiled, and for the first time, since the day that she had first looked at his scruffy hair and witnessed his supposedly charming attitude to life, that she had felt something back, it was a familiar sense of butterflies in her stomach that usually didn't occur around James Potter. It was this sensation that had caused her to dash upstairs to her bed on a cold Wednesday afternoon in December and cry into her pillow. She was more puzzled now than she had ever been before. It had all been simple when she didn't feel something for James, it was always easier to hate than to love.

Most of her friends would say, 'James Potter? He's been after you for ages, go for it!', and it did make sense in her head. But her heart, or so she thought, had always desired something else, the odd, greasy haired loner in the corner of the library. The one everyone made fun of and despised.

Her tears had stained her face. Her confusion felt strong and harsh. She had thought she could quietly deal with her 'crush' on Severus, but now, with feelings for James growing, she could not cope as well as she had thought. Lily, with her honest heart knew that her and Severus could never happen, and that she would have to either peruse something new, or cling on to the past with her apparently unacceptable desires for the bizarre Slytherin.

But, despite the events of the previous month, the thought of letting go of Severus and moving on was almost desperately upsetting and painful, and what she feared, above all else was that the lingering sensation she felt around Severus, where she wanted to wrap her arms around him and bury her head into his shoulder and feel safe and then draw him into a sweet yet urgently passionate kiss would stay. It felt so dangerous to her that despite everything the feeling would loiter within herself and, no matter how long she waited, or how hard she tried to forget. She would never be able to let go of him.


End file.
